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Wednesday, 15 December 2010

A to Z OF HUMOROUS TV QUOTES

A to Z of HUMOROUS TV QUOTES 

UK version

APOLOGIES
TV ANNOUNCER (Susie Blake): We would like to apologise to viewers in the North. It must be awful for you.
VICTORIA WOOD on TV

BLOOD
Det. Insp. JACK FROST (David Jason) to a new recruit: Were you born cold-blooded? Or is there some sort of transfusion you can get on the NHS these days?
A TOUCH OF FROST

CLOTHES
ANNA FORBES (Daniela Nardini): Well if you'll excuse me, I've got a long bath and a short dress to get into.
THIS LIFE

DRIVING
NICK HARPER (Kris Marshall): Driving school tells you to keep two hands on the wheel at all times, I mean what are they thinking of? I mean what are you supposed to if you've got a phone in one hand and a kebab in the other?
MY FAMILY

EXCUSES
MRS SLOCOMBE (Molly Sugden) apologising for being late: The central heating broke down and I had to hold my pussy in front of it. It was frozen solid.
ARE YOU BEING SERVED?: Mrs. Slocombe Expects

FOOD
GRANVILLE (David Jason): Genuine Jamaican ginger cakes? What do you mean genuine? They've never been anywhere near Jamaica.
ARKWRIGHT (Ronnie Barker): What's that g-g-g ... got to do with it? We sell Mars bars, don't we?
OPEN ALL HOURS

GUNS
MAN IN BED (John Fortune): Has your husband got a gun?
WOMAN IN BED (Eleanor Bron): Yes.
MAN: Marvellous! What kind?
WOMAN: Ooh! I don’t know. It’s Russian, I think … begins with an S … Sawnoff?
WHERE WAS SPRING (1969)

HEALTH
DOCTOR (Patrick Cargill): A pint is a perfectly normal quantity to take!
TONY HANCOCK: You don’t seriously expect me to believe that! I mean, I came here in good faith to help my country. I don’t mind giving a reasonable amount, but a pint … that’s very nearly an armful.
HANCOCK’S HALF HOUR: The Blood Donor

IMAGE
FRANK LASLETT (John Forgeham): I think you should be my agent, I'm the one who needs an image makeover.
HAZEL BAILEY (Alison Newman): Sorry Frank, even if you gave both your kidneys to dying babies you'd still smell like a septic tank.
FOOTBALLER'S WIVES



JOWLS
STEED (Patrick MacNee): How I enjoy you working cheek-by-jowl with Iva.
EMMA PEEL (Diana Rigg): I assure you my cheek will not be nowhere near his jowl.
THE AVENGERS

KYLIE
EDINA MONSOON (Jennifer Saunders): No Twiggy, we want to go with you on this. We could've gotten Kylie, but we know you have more class. You don't need to parade around with a pair of gold lame hot pants wedged up your chocolate starfish to make an impression.
ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS

LANGUAGE
VICTOR MELDREW (Richard Wilson): What language are you talking in now? It appears to be Bollocks.
ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE

MOTORING
AUDREY fforbes-HAMILTON (Penelope Keith) to Richard DeVere: To think that Grantley is in the hands of a man who has no interest in farming, doesn't go to church and now it turns out hasn't heard of Winnie the Pooh. You think A.A. Milne is a motoring organisation, I suppose.
TO THE MANOR BORN

NEWSPAPERS
Ch. Insp. MORSE (John Thaw): Allowing the pages of The Sun to pass before your eyes, Lewis, does not amount to reading.
INSPECTOR MORSE

OLD AGE
LIONEL HARDCASTLE (Geoffrey Palmer): How come you're an older woman, but I'm an old man?
AS TIME GOES BY

PROBLEMS
DAVID BRENT (Ricky Gervais): When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”
THE OFFICE

QUALIFICATIONS
Father TED (Dermot Morgan): Dougal, how did you get into the church in the first place? Was it, like, 'collect 12 crisp packets and become a priest?'
FATHER TED

REINCARNATION
RODNEY TROTTER (Nicholas Lyndhurst): I am depressed because of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck, I'll come back as me!
ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES: Three Men, A Woman and A Baby

SMOKING
MANNY BIANCO (Bill Bailey): Of course you can't taste anything! You smoke eighty bejillion cigarettes a day! What's that you're eating?
BERNARD BLACK (Dylan Moran): It's some sort of delicious biscuit.
MANNY: It's a coaster!
BLACK BOOKS

THRIFT
LENNIE GODBER (Richard Beckinsale): Oh, come on Fletch! You are mean.
NORMAN FLETCHER (Ronnie Barker): No, I’m not. Thrifty perhaps. Frugal.
GODBER: He unwraps Bounty bars under water so I can’t hear he’s got one.
PORRIDGE: Poetic Justice

UNDERPANTS
JIM ROYLE (Ricky Tomlinson): These underpants cost me a quid, and I've got about fifty pence worth stuck up my arse.
THE ROYLE FAMILY

VIOLENCE
DIANA TRENT (Stephanie Cole): Oh, my God, all that love and peace. Always makes me want to kill somebody.
WAITING FOR GOD

WAR
GERMAN GUEST: Will you please stop talking about the war.
BASIL FAWLTY (John Cleese): Me? You started it!
GERMAN: We did not start it!
BASIL: Yes you did! You invaded Poland!!
FAWLTY TOWERS

XENOPHOBIA
JAMES HACKER (Paul Eddington): You know what the average Common Market official is like? They've got the flexibility of the Germans, the organising ability of the Italians and the modesty of the French. And that's topped up by the humour of the Belgians, the generosity of the Dutch and the intelligence of the Irish.
YES, MINISTER

Y-CHROMOSOME
TIM BROOKE-TAYLOR: I want a son. I must have a son. Graeme, you're a doctor ...
GRAEME GARDEN: Sorry, can't be done.
TIM: But a man isn't a man unless he exercises his right to fatherhood.
BILL ODDIE: You can exercise it all you like but you won't find much use for it!
THE GOODIES

ZOMBIES
GARY SPARROW (Nicholas Lyndhurst): What is going on, Yvonne? Out there ... her ... she's one of those, isn't she? One of those ... things.
YVONNE SPARROW (Michelle Holmes): She's not one of the undead, Gary. She's a social worker.
GARY: There's a difference?
GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART: Just One More Chance



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