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Saturday, 3 July 2010

The Quotable Dave Barry

The Quotable Dave Barry ... humorist, parodist, columnist and syndicatist

Dave Barry (born on this day - July 3rd - in 1947) is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist and writer. As a hugely syndicated columnist and best-selling author he has earned the right to be called quotable. Even his book titles are humorous enough to be quoted on their own: The Taming of the Screw, Stay Fit and Healthy Until You're Dead, Dave Barry's Guide to Marriage and/or Sex, Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway, I'll Mature When I'm Dead and Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months With Tools You Probably Have Around the Home.

Here is just a small selection of Dave's funny sayings and amusing observations ...

"A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge."

"I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and - regardless of their political or cultural differences - accuse each other of cheating."

"The guys on TV are usually playing Texas Hold ‘Em, which is the hottest poker game at the moment, although there are many other popular variations of poker, including Seven-Card Stud, Five-Card Draw, Alabama Grope ‘Em, Omaha High Low, Iowa Bore ‘Em, Six-Card High Low Medium Jacks Wild Stud Draw Go Fish, Cincinnati Lawn Flamingo, Florida Recount ‘Em, Kansas City Clam Enhancer, Arkansas Geld ‘Em, New Jersey Whack ‘Em, New York Kvetch ‘Em, Red Rover and Whist."

"Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth."

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' "

"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."

"Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down."

"Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they do not tolerate waiting in line while some dilettante in front of them orders a hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles."

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

"Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking."

"The Constitution of the United States of America, Article V, Section 1: 'There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.' "

"Bill Gates is a very rich man today ... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions."

"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"

"I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War."

"Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it."

"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."

"The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting."

"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."

"The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs."

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."

For more on Dave Barry, check out his official website at:

For more great quotations, inspirational thoughts and famous sayings, go to A2Z of Quotes
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